Instant Food-Coma Risotto

16 August 2008

You probably shouldn't eat this if you're alergic to delicious.

You probably shouldn't eat this if you're alergic to delicious.

As everyone knows, Leonardo Da Vinci first created Risotto in 1491, right before he discovered America, in a helicopter he invented.  And thank God he did because, otherwise, I would have had nothing to eat last weekend, and I would have probably been living in some other country, maybe even Canada.  CANADA!!!!!  I would have had to watch something called “hockey,” and when I ordered bacon, would have received nothing but ham.  Also, they would have made me be nice to people, and Michael Moore tells me I wouldn’t have been able to shoot anyone.  Not shoot anyone?!?!?  I ordered bacon, and they gave me ham!!!  Fucking ham!!!!!!!  Thank God for Leonardo DiVinci.  I don’t care if he did help hide Jesus’ love child and try to kill Tom Hanks; he’s A-OK in my book.  And don’t think for a moment that I don’t actually have “a book.”

Some people have an aversion to risotto because they think that it’s really hard to make.  These people are stupid, and should be punched a lot, really hard.  Not only is risotto fairly easy to make, but it’s also delicious, will always offer to be the designated driver, talks to the ugly girl while you hit on her hot friend, and acts as a vaccine against various forms of African viral infections.  And, after all, you don’t want to get the Ebola, do you?  That wasn’t a rhetorical question; I really need to know for my survey.  Anywho, here’s how to make a really good risotto:

Raw Materials:

Arborio rice (cultivated by swarthy Italian peasants)
Chicken stock (cultivated from formerly swarthy chickens)
Garlic (which has been used to slay one or more vampires)
Shallots (just plain, old shallots)
Scotch (preferably aged at least as much as that college intern at your office you’re thinking about trying to bone.  I mean, come on, look at the way she flirts)

Actually, hon, you're supposed to be under the desk.

Actually, hon, you're supposed to be under the desk.

Commence with the cookin‘:

Drink a bottle of scotch in one, long belt.  Vomit.  Take out a pot with thick sides and bottom (you know, the one that looks like Serena Williams, only without the hideous tennis attire and bad sportsmanship.)  Chuck the shallots and minced garlic in with some butter and olive oil.  I forgot to mention this, but you’re going to need some butter and olive oil.  Anyway, cook that stuff over low heat, until tender and transparent.  If it starts to brown, turn it down.  I just rhymed the hell out of that and it made me feel special.  Seriously, though, if you’re already over-cooking the shallots and garlic, you should just throw in the goddamn towel right now, because there’s no way you’re not burning the rice.  If, however, you’re not a totally retarded idiot in the kitchen and can manage to saute effectively, you can move on to step two.  Now, everyone who’s not Rachel Ray, do the following: put some rice in the pot and stir so that it’s coated with oil and butter.  Put in enough stock to cover and stir until it’s almost all absorbed.  Add stock. Stir.  Add stock.  Stir.  Add stock.  Stir.  Add stock.  Stir.  Add stir.  Stock.  Ha! Gotcha!  At some point, you’re going to want to taste this to see if it sucks or not.  It probably will, because it’s you that’s cooking it and not me.  Also, it will suck because you’ve been adding room-temperature stock because I forgot to tell you to have that shit in another pot on some heat.  Whoops.  Either way, the risotto has been releasing its starches, creating its own succulent, creamy rice gravy.  I don’t know why, but “succulent, creamy rice gravy” sounds dirty.  Maybe that says more about me than it does the inherent connotation of that phrase.  Regardless, when the risotto finally tastes good and has an al dente texture, add some salt, pepper, Parmesan, and, if you’re a huge homo, nutmeg. 

I call it "grice," because it's rice in its own gravy.  I'm a wildly-gesticulating hack.

I call it "rivy," because it's rice in its own gravy. Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got some wild gesticulating to do.

That’s your basic risotto, and you can add anything you want to it.  Just make sure that your additions are cooked separately and added to the risotto after it’s done.  It goes without saying that bacon is awesome in risotto, as are asparagus, herbs, mushrooms, and endangered condor.  But, if you want to stick to the classic risotto you just made, grate some parm on that bitch, sprinkle on some herbage, cure cancer, win a million dollars, bring peace to the middle east, teach people how to correctly use the word “literally,” and, finally, enjoy.

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