Corned Beef – Not Nearly As Disgusting As The Name Implies!

7 December 2008

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For just a dollar a day you can sponsor a starving child in Africa. For just ten bucks more you can buy a big-ass sandwich. Sorry, African kid.

 If there’s one thing I don’t mind over-paying for it’s a good, soapy, full-body Asian massage to completion.  If there are two things I don’t mind over-paying for, it’s a good, soapy, full-body Asian massage to completion, and sandwiches from a Jewish deli.  Twelve bucks for a sandwich seems a little outrageous, sure, but when you realize that that twelve-dollar sandwich is actually two regular size sandwiches in one, it all seems to even out.  Throw in some good pickles, doting 70-year-old waitresses, and that one blonde sitting by the window in that tight sweater, and the bill just doesn’t seem to matter.  Unless you don’t have any money, of course, in which case I guess it would matter a lot.  And while most Jewish deli menus are chock full of sandwiches made with brisket, tongue, turkey, pastrami, and “why don’t you marry a nice doctor,” my favorite deli fare is corned beef.  I think.  In all honesty, I can’t really tell the difference between a lot of these meats, and I’m not particularly picky.  Does it really matter, though?  After all, you’re just here to look at pretty girls in sexy outfits and maybe, just maybe, learn a little bit about yourself and your place in this world in the process.

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If you're like me, you just learned that boners can rip through jeans.

Ah, but friends and people who accidentally stumbled upon this blog, corned beef is not just for juicy, delicious, outrageously large sandwiches!  Indeed, a “hash” may be made from this wondrous protein, as well.  Not only that, but corned beef may also be paired with cabbage, in a dish more commonly referred to as “Mom, why the fuck did you make corned beef and cabbage for dinner.  I hate you.”  Regardless of what you choose to use your corned beef for, this recipe will prove to be a delicious addition to your culinary repertoire – I don’t not refuse to not guarantee it!  But, hold on there, buckin’ bronco, this recipe ain’t for those cooks lookin’ for a quick meal on the go.  Nope; this meal, like a fine wine or an unemployed stripper, is best when given a lot of time.  Not only that, but we’re also going to need to utilize a brine.  Before I made one for the first time, brining scared me almost as much as conjoined twins.  Don’t worry though, unlike siblings sharing body parts, a brine won’t steal your soul or try and incorporate you into its hideous, contorted body like some kind of humanoid amoeba.  In fact, brining is quite simple and makes meats of all kind more delicious and moist than they would be on their own.  Whoa, whoa, whoa – not that  meat, you sick bastard.  Put it back in your pants.

Jesus, This Is A Lot Of Shit

Ass-load of salt
Saltpeter (no, seriously)
Cinnamon
Mustard seed
Peppercorn
Cloves
Allspice
Juniper berries
Bay leaves
Ginger
Brisket
Onion
Carrot
Celery

Uh, You Know, Cook

After all that time spent at the store shopping for this shit you’re going to be pretty hungry.  Well don’t worry: before you know it, you’ll have a great deli sandwich all ready for you.  In two weeks.  You see, that’s what makes a brine work – much like that girl in your International Relations class, this bitch is going to need some time to get ready for you.  Unlike her, though, Corned beef’s ex-boyfriend won’t punch you in the face when he runs into you at Ralph’s.  Make the brine by combining all the shit up there in some boiling water.  Cool it down with some ice, and throw that beautiful piece of meat in there.  No, not your penis, you ego maniac.  Put everything in a plastic bag and stash it in the fridge.  If you’re like sous-chef Bruno, you’ll spend the next ten to fourteen days staring at the refrigerator.

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Bruno sez: "No, seriously, when are we gonna eat?"

After waking up with the pretty red-head from the W on the fourteenth day, take out your brisket, rinse her off, then put her in a pot of water with the carrot and onion.  Much like an Italian mad at his sister’s cheating boyfriend, bring to a boil then reduce to simmer, and let cook for three hours.  After that, do like me: use your Adamantium claws to thinly slice the brisket.  Place three pounds of the sliced meat in between some rye bread, and enjoy with your vodka and grapefruit.  OY VEY!

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Yenta sez: "Oy - why not just go to Canter's? What about that nice girl you were dating? She was in law school, no? Nice boy like you? You should settle down and have some kids soon. I'm not saying that you're getting old, but I can see some crow's feet already. I'm just saying!

 
 
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