It’s A Holiday Extravaganza, And You’re All Invited, You Ungrateful Whores

20 December 2008

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I have no idea why I feel this way, but I'm pretty sure Thomas Kinkade is worse than Josef Mengele.

Happy holidays, everybody, and welcome to The Chef’s Prerogative Christmas Extravaganza.  I can’t tell you what a joy it is to have my family here by my side acting as my honorary sous-chefs, even if they still think this “cooking thing” is some kind of silly pipe dream.  At least I’m not gay, right Dad?  And I’d also like to take time to thank my wonderful, supportive friends who have made the trip here to be with me today and eat all my food that they didn’t help make.  Can someone freshen up my Scotch?  Thanks.  Today marks a joyous occasion in the culinary world, as Christmas is one of the few times we get an opportunity to enjoy goose.  Or is it geese?  Whatever.  Goose is akin to a duck, I think, but more of the female variety.  Or is that a swan?  We’re not cooking swan, are we?  Okay, I just looked it up, and a goose is not a swan.  Much like a duck, goose is covered in a luscious layer of subcutaneous fat which serves to keep the meat tender and jucy, and also covered in fat.  Generally a flightless bird, gooses don’t fly;  this means that their meat is not sinewy like a chicken’s or turkey’s, but smooth and silky, like that of a Laotion pool boy.  Just kidding, Dad.  This wine is fucking delicious, by the way; can you get me a refill?  Great, thanks, Tom.  So, anyway, I don’t want you beautiful, demanding people to think that goose is the only thing on the menu, though.  Oh, no, we’ve got a bunch of delicious sides planned, as well, that I’ll also have to make!  But I’m happy to do it.  Verrrrrrry happy.

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Nice face, asshole.

The side dishes will start off with Potatoes Anna.  Now, I know that there are some people here today who aren’t big fans of carbs.  But you know what has surprisingly few carbs, though?  Shutting your face.  Ha ha ha, just kidding, folks.  Hey, Timmy – be a sport and go get Uncle TCP a bourbon, okay?  If you’re confused about which bottle that is, it’s the one your Daddy starts drinking from right before he gets angry and yells at Mommy until she cries.  Thanks, kiddo.  For those of you who are trying to watch your weight over the holidays – Aunt Marie – I’m also featuring an orzo salad with lots of vegetables and herbs in the colors of the season.    Hey!  Someone put on Manheim Steamroller!  I can’t cook without my Man-Steam.  Don’t get too excited about the thought of Man-Steam, cousin Mike, or you’ll out yourself to your parents.  Shit.  Sorry.  Anywho,  you know what we should do?  We should watch Christmas Vacation, tonight.  I love that scene where Chevy Chase tells off his boss about how much he hates him and resents his lack of support for wanting to do something other than be a lawyer like your cousin Mike.  Whew, this eggnog is strong.  What an odd word “strong” is.  Strrrrroooooonnnnggggg.  Where was I?  Thank you, Pat – yes, our final side dish will be the stuffing we cook in the bird.  I’m fairly certain this won’t give us salmonella, but we’ll see, right?  Jesus, Kim, you have really grown up – we’re not related by blood, are we?

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Cousin Eddy sez: "Even if ya are related, it's only bad if you get her pregnant . . . Cuz the kid'll be a re-re. Just do it in the hot tub so she can't get knocked-up."

Stuff We’ll Need

Definitely a strong Manhattan
Goose
Oven
Potatoes
Those little pasta pellets.  I can’t remember what they’re called, but they look like rice
Rice
You know what’s another great holiday movie?  Die Hard.
Green herbs.  You know, I just realized this, but all herbs are green.  So, “herbs.”
Bread
Chicken water
MANHEIM!!!
Goose

No, No, No – You Go Sit Down, I’ll Do All The Cooking:

Martin, I’m a grown-up adult person, and I’ll tell you when you- I’ve had enough.  So, hey, we’ve got our swan thawed out and ready to cook in the cooking machine.  Look very, very closely at the tempachure… temperchur…. temp-er-a-ture dial on your thing.  It should read 350 350.  Tell your two-headed cousin to help you up off the floor, then put your duck in the fridge.  Oven.  When nobody’s looking, sneak some whiskey in the coffee your grandma gave you to sober up with, even though she’s a hypocrite and smells like a distillery and also only sends you birthday checks for $5.00.  In the meantime, let’s start on our sides, won’t you?

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Seeing double is generally a sign that you've had too much to drink. Or, judging by my reaction to this picture, that you're ready to violate yourself.

Peel your potatoes because no one is going to help you, and pull out that one thing that you rub stuff on and it cuts it.  You know, the thing?  Cut your potatoes about an eighth of an inch thick.  Put ’em in a bowl or whatever, and cook them.  Salt and pepper.  But first, put your goose in the oven.  DAVE!  Put Manheim back on.  MANHEIM !!!!  Now that our potatoes and water fowl are cooking, let’s cook that other thing I talked about earlier.  Will someone please hand me that margarita.  When did I make margaritas?  The pasta should be placed in boiling water, and then boiled.  During this time chop up your herbs and some tiny tomatoes and onion.  Mandoline!  That’s what the potato-cutty thing is called.  Mandoline.

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Potato Cutty-Thing

I didn’t forget the giblets, Dad, I took them out before.  And if not, I left them in on purpose.  Geeses don’t have giblets!  So now our geese is cooking in the stove, there’s potatoes there, and I chopped up herbs and things for stuff to put them in.  This tryptophan is making me sleepy.  Dave, I don’t come to where you live and tell you to stop drinking and embarrasing this family, I think I deserve the same respect in my house that my parents live in with me.  Besides, who apointmented you king of the alcoholoic people?  Never, that’s who!  Someone put on the Harry Connick, Jr. Christmas CD.  HARRY CON–  Oh, it’s on.  Thank you.  Back to cooking…  Karen, not for nothin’, but that sweater looks great on your boobs.  Oh, lighten up, Josh – you paid for ’em; am I not supposed to look?  Jesus, you people need a drinking to lighten up.  Someone take the rice off the oven burner.  Good, it should be the consistency of a nice mush.  Drain in a collander and, no, wait, don’t drain in a collander – it just all goes away.  Oh, well, let’s check on the potatoes.  Where are my potatoes?  Well why are they in the cupboard, Brian?  No I did not put them there.

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"Where do you EXPECT me to look, Josh?!?!? At her face? I mean, you used up all the surgery money on her rack!"

No, fuck you, Todd.  Maybe you spilled that wine on yourself when I tripped and spilled that wine.  And considering the Cosby nature of that sweater, I think whoever spilled that wine was doing this party a favor.  Karen, take off your sweater and give it to Todd.  And your bra.  I’m just trying to have a little fun, folks; don’t get all serious on me.  Where’s everyone going?  What?  Why?!?!?  I am too not drunk!  I’m just a little buzzed right now from being drunk, is all.  I don’t know why everybody’s leaving – we’re getting ready to eat soon, once I’ve had a cocktail and cooked everything.  Jim, take the goose out of the stove.  What do you mean the goose is under the sink?!?!?  I have no recollection of doing that.  I think it was probably black people.

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"'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house, not a creature was stirring, except . . . the four assholes coming in the rear in standard two-by-two cover formation."

Merry Christmas, everyone!  Unless you’re one of those liberals that O’Reilly warned me about, that is; in which case, happy Kwanzaa!

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