"So then, just when the midget starts to pinch my nipples, I'm goint to need you to start slapping me in the face and call me 'Dr. Goebels.'    Don't ask why, just do it."

"So then, just when the midget starts to pinch my nipples, I'm going to need you to repeatedly slap my face as hard as you can, all the while saying 'Take it, Dr. Goebbels!' Don't ask why, just do it."

We’ve all been there before*: you’re doing everything right in a relationship, yet not getting the physical appreciation you feel you deserve.  You’ve bought her flowers, taken her to fancy restaurants, repressed the urge to kill her annoying fucking Pomeranian, and even went all-out on Valentine’s Day.  But your subtle, yet overbearing, advances have all been halted, well short of anything resembling knockin’ dem boots.  “Why?!?!,” you wonder, your heart filled with frustration, “Hast thine vagina forsaken me?!?!”  I hate to break it to you, but the reason you’re not gettin’ any is because you’re going about it ass-backwards, and not in the sexy way.  You’re not putting in the real work that all girls’ vaginas seem to appreciate.  You’re simply checking off the requirements from the Gettin’ Some Handbook, one chapter at a time, with no passion or enthusiasm.  Either that, or your girlfriend is allergic to fuckin’ ugly.  But, even if that were the case, a sure-fire way to ingratiate yourself to her bad place is to show her you are truly enamored of her, through no less than the ancient and sacred art of cookenometry.  Cheferate a truly delicious, sensual meal and, in no time, you’ll be in bed with your girl giving her a new reason to never want to have sex with you.  You sexy, disgusting animal.

I don't care if you're dating Helen of fucking Troy, and she's allergic to not giving blowjobs - if she has one of these un-Godly fucks you run the other way.  YOU'RE A TINY DOG, YOU PIECE OF SHIT!  FUCKING ACT LIKE IT!

I don't care if you're dating Helen of Troy and she's allergic to not giving blow jobs - if she has one of these un-Godly fucks, you run the other way. YOU'RE A TINY DOG, YOU PIECE OF SHIT! STOP ACTING LIKE SUCH A DICK!

Food, by its very nature is sensual.  Thirty seconds ago, I didn’t know food even had a nature, but I wrote it, so it must be true.  When you think about it, though, food just kind of is sexy.  So much of what’s on the Food Network is referred to as “food porn,” certain foods require the licking of fingers, many dishes are thought to be aphrodisiacal, bacon makes one orgasm pure energy, and zucchinis and my wang share similar dimensions.  So food and sex just kind of go hand-in-hand (job.)  The best way to parlay this food/sex symbiosis is, of course, to cook for your lady.  Not only does this give you a chance to wear your “No Bitchin’ in my Kitchen” apron, but it also gives you an opportunity to provide for your better half in a deeply personal and butter-laden way.  And it couldn’t be simpler!  Put on that rare 1956 recording of Sinatra singing to Ava Gardner at the Copa, to set the mood.  Pop open that bottle of 1985 Chateau Le Fete and toast to passion.  Spoon feed each other bites of beluga caviar while whispering sweet nothings to one another in Russian.  Then, just when the seduction reaches a crescendo, fire up some pans and whip up a gourmet meal with the fury and precision of a ‘roided-up tiger chasing down a gazelle covered in chicken grease.  If this shit doesn’t get you laid, you might as well turn in your junk.  The following are some dishes that are absolutely guaranteed to get you some lovin’.**

Seared Scallops With Micro-Green Salad

This isn't a picture of the dish I made.  I tried to take one, but the glare from God's celestial and eternal love bouncing off of it ruined the picture.  That tends to happen with all my dishes.

This isn't a picture of the dish I made. I tried to take one, but the glare from God's celestial and eternal love bouncing off of it ruined the picture. That tends to happen with all photographs of my dishes.

Scallops are pretty fucking rad, not least of which because you can cook them fairly rare, and rare stuff is the jam.  But, writing more to the thesis of this post, scallops with micro-green salad is not only light, pretty, and delicious, but also makes you look like a professional chef who totally won’t give anyone a bacterial infection by under cooking seafood – and isn’t that the ultimate turn-on?  This recipe is a perfect starter to your meal, and couldn’t be easier (unless, of course, it was your mother.)  Sear your scallops over medium heat in butter and oil.  While those are cooking, whip up a vinaigrette with rice wine vinegar, chili oil, Sriracha, olive oil, salt, pepper, freshly grated ginger, and meyer lemon zest and juice.  Here’s where you put in the panty-droppin’ magic: make your dish look all profesh-like by making a little puddle of the dressing on the plate, then smearing it across like they do on Top Chef.  Place two scallops on either side, and a tiny micro-green salad in the middle, flourishing with a drizzle of vinaigrette.  Simple yet elegant, the ol’ ball and chain will think you went to no shortage of trouble to please her palate, which will instantly make her wonder what ecstasy-making lengths you’ll go to in order to please her vulva.

Oyster And Absinthe Dome

The last time I drank absinthe I woke up six days later in a Oaxacan prison.

The last time I drank absinthe I woke up six days later in a Oaxacan prison. Call me, Juan!

N’awlins immediately conjures images of exotic, sexy days and sultry, languid nights (also, people stealing television sets and George Bush not caring about it because of its indigenous black people population.)  It’s no surprise, then, that this dish hails from the Crescent City.  Oysters have always been considered the culinary aphrodisiac, but when you pair them with absinthe, bacon, and puff pastry, they’re sure to make even the most demure of women act like “the slutty one” on the Rock of Love Bus.  Actually, that’s probably bullshit, but whatever; this dish is delicious.  Sweat shallots and garlic in butter, add in the absinthe and some cream.  Toss in oysters, tarragon, bacon, and artichokes, and let simmer.  Top with a round of puff pastry***, and your significant other will feel even sexier than she does while fantasizing about Ryan Gosling wooing her in canoe made out of Manolo Blahniks.

Fettuccine Alfredo

You're eating it wrong.

Pasta - you're eating it wrong.

“But, The Chef’s Prerogative, fettuccine Alfredo isn’t sexy.  It’s just an ordinary ol’ pasta dish!”  Oh, that may be true, but I think you’d feel differently if you knew the story behind the dish’s romantic beginnings.  You see, the classic dish was invented in 1915, by chef and restaurant owner Alfredo Mozzetti.  That year, Alfredo was headed off to The Great War, to fight against those damned Austro-Hungarian land-grabbin’ bastards, even if it meant leaving his new fiancee.  The night before he shipped out, he promised his dear, sweet Gianetta one final, romantic night together.  He racked his brain for the most romantic meal he could muster, but war rationing tied his brilliant culinary hands.  At dinner, he explained to his love that though he didn’t have many ingredients at his disposal, he put the same passion that he had for her into the dish he was about to serve.  He then got down on one knee and proposed, knowing it may be his last chance to do so.  She said “yes,” of course, and his dish was as delicious as anything she had ever eaten.  She never forgot its simplicity and wonderful aroma.  She didn’t forget about Alfredo, either, even when he failed to write or return home for months, then years, after his departure.  In an effort to assuage her heartbreak, Gianetta moved away, vowing never to return to the place that reminded her so much of her beloved Alfie.  Nearly a decade after the Great War had ended, Gianetta returned to her hometown to attend the funeral of her grandmother.  On her first night back, after being seated at a dinner table in the same restaurant Alfredo used to own and work in so many years earlier, a silver platter was placed in front of her.  Before she had an opportunity to inform the waiter that she hadn’t yet ordered, the aroma of the dish instantly transported her back to that night, fourteen years earlier, when Alfredo had proposed to her and they had shared this same meal.  Gianetta ran to the kitchen and threw her arms around her long lost love who, shocked to see her enter his restaurant, knew of only one thing to do – cook a dish he hadn’t prepared in more than a decade.  He had returned in 1918, and didn’t know where to find his precious Gia, even after searching all over the countryside.  But here they were, together once again.  And soon after, they were finally man and wife.  This simple dish stands as a tribute to their abiding love.

...And they all lived happily ever after.  Except for Germany, of course, whose post-bellum socio/politico/economic climate never improved, eventually plunging it into ruin, then, finally caused fertile ground for Hitler's rise to power and another crushing defeat at the hands of the Allies.  I guess that means the Jews didn't fare to well in this story, either.

"...And they all lived happily ever after. Except for Germany, of course, whose post-bellum socio/politico/economic climate never improved, eventually plunging it into ruin, then, finally, creating fertile ground for Hitler's rise to power and another crushing defeat at the hands of the Allies. I guess that means the Jews didn't fare too well in this story, either. Oh, well, at least these two idiots are in love."

See, you probably feel like an ass for not thinking this dish was romantic or seductive.  You’ll probably feel like even more of an ass when I tell you that I just made all that shit up.  But don’t be mad, baby!  Just do like I did and spin a romantic yarn to your lady, and tell her that your love will someday be the stuff of epic love stories on retarded, misogynistic food blogs.  It will make any dinner romantic, and will be sure to get you some play.  And don’t worry if you’re not good at making up stories – chicks will fall for anything!****  This particular meal actually is pretty sexy, though.  All you’ve got to do is slice a stick of butter into pats and place them on a serving dish.  Put the fettuccine on top with a little pasta water, add on a bunch of Parmesan, and  toss in seductive, circular (or heart-shaped, you sappy bastard) motions, and you’re done.  Thanks, fake Alfredo!  So there you have it – a humble guide to the facilitation of culinary-aided coitus.  There are few things more romantic than a thoughtfully prepared dinner, and you’re too lazy to do any of them, anyway, so just stick to the kitchen, Casanova.

___________________
*Totally never been there before.
**I don’t not refuse to not guarantee it.
***If you’re not a fan of cooking shitty food for your girlfriend, maybe go here to get the actual recipe.  Half the fun of cooking it is drinking most of the absinthe by yourself, then deciding whether or not to add in those pink elephants running about your kitchen.
****I’m just kidding, chicks; everyone knows you’re smarter than us.*****
*****See, they totally just bought that.

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