I wear the same outfit when I grill.

I wear the same outfit when I grill.

Hello there, you handsome, handsome people.

By way of introduction, I thought I would take the opportunity of my inaugural post on this blog to highlight some of my points of view regarding food, drink, and the myriad other things which will serve as driving forces behind what will soon become the best best thing anyone has ever read on the internet, ever.  That, or no one but my mom will ever see this thing.  I really hope it’s the former, though, because I plan on talking about boobs a lot.  Hi, Ma!

You know how those Top Chef rejects on The Next Food Network Star always say that their culinary point of view is something asinine and derivative like “I want to make gourmet simple,” or “I want to make fine dining accessible,” or something else to that effect?  Well, that’s not what I’m here to do.  Gourmet is gourmet for a reason: it’s hard to make – or, at least, it’s hard to make well.  The recipes and techniques explored on this blog will be gourmet, and all that it implies.  They will not be suitable to throwing together at the last minute, nor will they be affordable and family friendly.  The dishes I will show you how to prepare are extraordinarily difficult to make, and will require the utilization of cutting-edge cooking techniques which will be next to impossible to master.  You will be tested and you will inevitably, at some point, fail.  You will probably make your guests sick by under-cooking a delicate dish, when just thirty more seconds in the pan would have made it perfect.  This blog is not for the faint of heart.

Nah, I’m just kidding – this blog will mostly be about me getting roaring-ass drunk on scotch, making some random recipe, and relating to you, you lucky bastards, the methods used throughout.  Although, to tell you the truth, these recipes actually will be a little difficult to make, and they will most assuredly be gourmet.  Difficult to make because I’m horrible at giving directions; gourmet because I will instruct you to do as I do: wear a bow-tie while cooking (Boosh!  Instant gourmet!).

Probably about to cook a Rachel Ray recipe.  See the difference?

Probably about to cook a Rachel Ray recipe. See the difference?

Obviously about to cook something very gourmet.

Obviously about to cook something very gourmet.

     So what about me?  What do I like to eat?  What’s my favorite drink?  Why does it hurt my arm when I go like this?  All of these are valid questions.  Let’s put it this way:  You know how some people, when asked about their taste in music, respond with something like “I kind of like everything – I have really eclectic tastes.”  Well, to those people I say this: No, you fucking don’t.  Having eclectic tastes doesn’t mean that you like both Fallout Boy and Panic at the Disco.  You’ve never heard of Robert Johnson, couldn’t pick out a Vivaldi composition if your life depended on it, and I bet you don’t even know what instrument Charles Mingus plays.  Also, your outfit is hideous.  That said, when describing my culinary tastes and predilections, I don’t know, I guess I kind of like everything.  What can I say – I have really eclectic tastes. 
     I honestly do love pretty much everything gastronomic.  I view food the way that Kim Kardashian views black guys.  In fact, the only things I dislike are the following:
  1. Anything Anise flavored.  These things really make me wish that I could stab a flavor in the face. 
  2. Sweet things, other than my ass.  I really have no sweet tooth at all.  Any cravings that in normal people would be focused on cake are, in me, redirected to chili-dogs. 
  3. Rainy days and Mondays.

     Other than that, I’m good to go!  I’m equally as enamored of kimchi as I am of steak, love oysters as much as jerk chicken, and wouldn’t think twice about punching your mother in the face to get at either a lobster bisque or a cheeseburger. 

     So, with that, I hope you will join me on my culinary adventures which, I am sure, will be an enormous waste of time for the both of us.  Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to get another scotch – the booze is flowing like mud around here.


this is sous chef Bruno.  What he lacks in cooking skill he more than makes up for in laying around.

By the way: this is sous-chef Bruno. What he lacks in cooking skill he more than makes up for in laying around.